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The Saloon

Episode 14
Entrance Hall
Dining Room
Breakfast Room
Music Room

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Ann: You must be Jackie.   It's nice to meet you.

Jackie Collins:  And you are?

Ann:  Ann.  I live here.

Jackie:  Oh, Ann!  Sorry, I was expecting...well, never mind.  Lovely to meet you.

Ann: I hope you enjoy yourself tonight.

Jackie:  That's why I came.

Ann: Amy, glad you decided to come. Is James here too?

Amy: Yeah, he’s wandering around with Frank. The two of them have really hit it off.

Ann: Guess who’s here? Dave Redmond! He was in Sheffield for a conference and decided to drop by before he flew out. It’s great to see him.

Amy: I’m not sure I’d recognize him anymore. It’s been years since you guys broke up.

Ann: Well, he looks the same. And he remembers you. I told him you were here.

Amy: Did you tell him I’m pregnant?

Ann: No, I thought you could if you wanted to.

Amy: I will.

Ann: Amy, what are you going to do? I mean, are you and James…

Amy: Going to get married? Don’t know. His family is really excited about the baby, but don’t see me as wife material. Neither of us is in any rush. We’ll see.

Ann: And what about your dissertation?

Amy: I think I can still write,  Ann. Cool out. I don’t see you cranking out books. Is my having a baby any different from you packing it up to play house here? At least I’ll have something to show for it.

Ann: I think I’d better go check on the other guests.

[Follow Ann to the Breakfast Room]

 Simon: All right lads! Great to see you. There’s Nuns in the Hall if you don’t like the bubbly stuff.

Andy Burstow: Cheers Simon, I could kill a pint right now.

Simon: Knobbly Lyles didn’t come with you, did he?

Flash Bolger: No, he’s a Boy Scout leader. They meet tonight.

Simon: Knobbly is a boy scout?

Bert Walsham: Actually it’s cub scouts. He’s an Akela. He’s a marvel with knots, you know.

Andy: Blimey, look at Flash head for the food. We should try putting cake at the other wicket next season to get him to run!

Arthur ‘Red’ Covers: Evening Tinsley, placating the masses are you? Hoping this will save your skin come the revolution?

Simon: Champagne?

Red: Well, okay, just this once. As long as it’s French. I don’t hold with the exploitation of Mexican workers in American vineyards.

Simon: It’s Moet-Chandon.

Red: Well, that’s all right then. Are those cigars Cuban?

[Follow Simon to the Music Room]

Shirley: Martin? Martin, where are you man? Come quick!

Martin: Bloody hell woman, what are you on about?

Shirley: It’s Emma. I told you her snooping would come to no good, didn’t I? Miss Simmons should have left well enough alone and not gone dredging into the past, things that are nobody’s business. What’s done is done, I say…

Martin: Calm down. What did she say?

Shirley: She wants to talk to me. Private-like. She says she knows who John’s father is.

Martin: How?

Shirley: I don’t know.

Martin: She’s bluffing.

Shirley: Well, she wants me to talk outside, so I’ve come to fetch my coat.

Martin: Maybe I should join you?

Shirley: No, she’ll only think she’s right if we both come running. I bet she talked to Vera. I’ll tell her that Vera was telling tales. I’ll tell her that that fool Lumpy Gaites is the father. He should have been, if Betsy hadn’t got it in her head that she fancied the other one.

Martin: Well, mind your tongue.

Shirley: I will. Oh, dear Martin. I thought the past was over and done with.

Martin: You know it never is.

[Follow Shirley to the Breakfast Room]

Mr. Godfrey Clayburne: Nice house. Good, sturdy construction.

Mr. Hepplewaite: Don’t think much of their restoration techniques. Looks like someone threw a bomb at the dining room wall. Oh, good evening Miss Simmons. Excellent party!

Ann: Mr. Hepplewaite, Mr. Clayburne. I’m glad you could come.

Godfrey: I thought you were out on the dance floor with the other young people. Who’s Mr. Tinsley dancing with then? Oh, it’s that young archaeologist.

Ann: Yes, I think it is. I left my dancing shoes upstairs tonight, I’m afraid. Did you have a chance to look around?

Godfrey: Well, I had a wander around the garden before it got dark, and there’s plenty to be done with the retaining walls. And the east wall of the Temple of Venus is looking a bit dodgy. Don’t want that tumbling into the lake, do you?

Ann: Not at all. Can you send me an estimate?

Godfrey: Consider it done.

James: Hello, Ann. Have you seen Amy?

Ann: I saw her in the Breakfast Room talking to Father Hoole a few minutes ago.

James: Oh, me Jesus. Not a priest, I hope.

Ann: Yep, he’s a priest.

James: Excuse me. I better go and rescue the poor man.

[Follow Ann across the Room]

Wendy Smith: Excuse me but are you Nigel Barksley?

Nigel Barksley: Yes, yes I am.

Wendy: Well I just wanted to say that I admire your work and have been so pleased to see your letters to the Gazette in support of animals.

Nigel: Really? I just think that people can be horrible to animals and it’s so unfair and people can be quite cruel. I’m not that fond of people really, well most people, I mean some people are nice. Can I get you a drink?

Wendy: That would be lovely.

Shirley: Everything all right then, Miss Ann?

Ann: Yes thanks, Shirley. You’ve done a great job. The house looks perfect.

Shirley: Well, I do what I can. You know, it would have helped if Mr. Tinsley hadn’t a knocked a great big gaping hole in the wall last week and covered the place with dust.

Ann: I’m sorry about that. You’ve cleaned up really well though. Nobody would even know he did it.

Shirley: Well, I’m going to head down the hall. Can’t say I fancy that band you hired. Terrible racket they’re making.

Ann: People seem to be enjoying them though. Even Reverend Banks is dancing.

Shirley: Who’s that dancing with your Mr. Tinsley, then?

Ann: His friend Jackie.

Shirley: Well, they certainly look close.  Silly fool. He’s no sense of his place sometimes.

Ann: Oh, I don’t know. He seems right at home to me.

[Follow Shirley to the Dining Room]

Caroline Porkridge: She's a piece of work.

Ann:  Who?

Caroline:  Jackie Collins.  She's all over him, isn't she?  You know, she slept with your Simon when she was almost engaged to Phil.  He's only just found out. 

Ann: Well, that was all years ago.

Caroline: To be honest, I've never thought  Simon was much of a friend, but Phil is very loyal.

Ann:  They get on well now.

Caroline:  You think so? What about Nottingham?   The only reason he took Phil to that silly fair was because Jackie wouldn't go with him.  But surely you knew that.

Ann:  Oh, right.  Excuse me a minute.

[Rejoin Ann in the Saloon shortly]

Rev. Nigel Banks: You're a good dancer.

Jackie:  You were pretty smooth yourself.

Rev. Banks: Well, I quite enjoy doing the funky chicken from time to time.

Jackie:  Oh, I love this one!  "Kiss me, you sexy thing... Touch me, you sexy thing..."

Rev. Banks: Dear me.  I'm sorry, but I need to freshen my drink.   Excuse me.

Jackie:  I can make you a stiff one...

Amy: It’s been fun but I’m getting tired. Hard work telling religious jokes with a priest! Ann, what’s wrong?

Ann: Could I come back with you tonight?

Amy: Ann! Don’t cry! Course you can.

Ann:  Let me go grab a few things, I'll be ready in a minute.