The Breakfast Room

Simon: Hello, Reverend. There’s a keg of Nun’s Habit in the dining room and there’s bubbly available swinging from the Indoor blimp. Actually, it might be easier to just get a glass since I keep crashing the damn thing into the wall.

Jackie Collins: Looks like you’re having trouble keeping the end up to me.

Simon: Jackie! Great to see you. You look amazing.

Jackie: That was the desired effect. Now where are the good men? If you can’t find any I’ll take the bad.

Simon: Come and meet Ann, I know she wants to see you.

Phil Porkridge: All right mate.

Simon: Phil! But where’s the trouble and strife?

Phil: She’s coming. She went to the toilet. She’s a bit uptight tonight.

Jackie: Just like the wedding then, eh Phil?

Phil: Oh hello, Jackie. Look, be nice, will you? Things are a little tense right now. She had an accident at the dress shop and .. well, she’ll kill me if I tell you, but if she’s walking a little stiffly it’s because she got stuck in the derrière by a shop pole.

Jackie: Blimey, I didn’t think you could get a pin between those cheeks….

Phil: Jackie!

Jackie: Caroline, so nice to see you again. Now get off your horse and let’s get a drink.

[Follow Simon to the Saloon]

 Lumpy Gaites: Who’s the little man with the big ears?

Rev. Banks: Oh, that’s Pete Smith. He runs the Science Fiction shop in Lower Puckering.

Lumpy: Is he wearing a black monk’s robe?

Rev. Banks: I think he came as Darth Vader. Look, he’s sidled up to Wendy the Pet Lady.

Lumpy: Was that the Vulcan welcome sign?

Rev. Banks: Well that was a short conversation!

 Dave Redmond: Ann, this place is immense. I love it.

Ann: Thanks. I think we may have bitten off a bit too much.

Dave: No, no, you’re off to a great start. It’s a fabulous house. Have you done much research on the history of ownership?

Ann: Gotten started. We still have lots of questions. I’ll have to introduce you to Emma Knytleigh, our researcher. She’s doing most of the work.

Dave: That surprises me, Ann. I would have thought you’d be doing it.

Ann: Well, I wanted to, but I’ve just been caught up in a lot of other things, and thought it would be best to turn it over to her.

Dave: Hmm. Fair enough. Ready for SOMEH?

Ann: Er, no, haven’t finished that paper yet either.

Dave: I see. Given up the academic life.

Ann: No, not permanently. Just taking a break.

Dave: Well, don’t take too long.

Chester  Vyse (singing): Play that funky music, white boy…Hello, Ann. Great party!

Ann: Glad you’re having fun.

Chester: Fancy a swing around the floor? Lay down and boogey and play that funky music ‘til you die.

Ann: Um, maybe later. I want to go have a word with Emma.

Chester: Save "Brick House" for me, will you?

Ann: It’s a deal.

[Follow Ann to the Dining Room]

Sergeant Archer:   Evening, Emma. Keeping well then?

Emma:  Well enough.

Sergeant Archer:  I spoke with an old  friend of yours the other day.

Emma:  Really?  Who would that be?

Sergeant Archer:  Let's just say it was someone you spent a bit of time with. Still, best to leave these things in the past I think.

Emma: Why don't we then?

[Follow Emma outside]

Ann: Evelyn. Hello. Glad you could come. Can I get you a drink? There’s champagne floating around here somewhere, and a keg of Flaming Monk in the Hall.

Evelyn Prosser: Thanks.  Beer is an occupational requirement for archaeologists. Dr. Hardcote is off fetching me another pint. I prefer the Nun though. It’s a bit smoother.

Ann: Yes. I’m not much of a beer drinker myself, but I know what you mean. How’s the dig going?

Evelyn: We’re finishing off for the season in the next few weeks. We found several more burials on the west end of the church yard, and a foundation that appears to predate the Church. Unfortunately, we’ve just got a corner of it; the rest was destroyed when Sparrow Lane was put in.

Ann: Any ideas what it was from?

Evelyn: Not yet. It’s pretty substantial though. Must’ve been a large structure, probably two or three stories.

Ann: Sounds intriguing. Are you going to get back to it in the spring?

Evelyn: Dr. Hardcote would like to come back. I’d rather get started here though. Did you get my proposal?

Ann: It came yesterday. Simon’s looking it over. You should talk to him as well.

Evelyn: Oh, right. Well, no hurry.

[Follow Ann across the Room]

Shirley: Have you seen Emma?

Frank: Yes, isn’t she lovely tonight? That dress makes her eyes look like pools on a summer’s day.

Shirley: For goodness sake’s man, I’m not interested in her eyes. Where is she?

Frank: No need to get nasty, Shirley. She’s around somewhere. I’ll go find her for you if you’d like.

Shirley: Fine, but be quick, will you? I’ll be outside.

Frank: Isn’t it a bit chilly out there tonight?

Shirley: No, I quite fancied a breath of fresh air.

[Follow Shirley outside]

Chester: My god, Ann, what’s happened in the dining room?

Ann: Oh, that. Simon took a sledge hammer to the wall. He was looking for a door.

Chester: Looks like he found one! I really have to object to…

Ann: Yeah, yeah, Chester, save it. I’m sorry. He should have called you in.

Chester: Well, I’m going to nip around and have a closer look at it.

Ann: Can we talk about this later?

Chester: Of course we can.

[Follow Ann to the Music Room]

Phil: Simon tells me that you and your husband are nudists.

Mrs. Morcombe: I know what people think. I’ve heard them snicker, but they’re small minded. It’s so freeing. We have a private club near Brighton. I take my knitting and Nigel has a small allotment.

Phil: Is there a pool?

Mrs. Morcombe: Yes, but it’s not heated. The men don’t really like to use it for some reason.

Phil: Probably afraid it will reduce the members!

Mrs. Morcombe: Whatever do you mean?

Phil: Excuse me. I think my wife needs some assistance.

Nigel Twicks: Good evening Titsley. Thank you for the invite, glad there are no hard feelings over the newspaper articles.

Simon: It’s Tinsley, Mr. Twicks, Tinsley.

Nigel: Oh you can call me Nigel, or Ed, for Editor you know. Ever thought about getting into the newspaper business?

Simon: No, I don’t think I could handle the responsibility of always having to get it right.

Nigel: Well you do what you can. With a small local paper like this there’s really not much you can get wrong. Of course if we had some money behind us we could really do some serious investigative reporting. There are stories in this village that have never been told.

Simon: Really?

Nigel: Oh yes, love triangles, murders, company take-overs, illegitimate children, maybe even Vampires. I don’t know if you’ve met the man from the West Indies but I believe he’s part of a Caribbean drug cartel that’s funneling cannabis through Puckering.

Simon: He’s a friend of Ann’s.

Nigel: And are you sure she’s not involved!?

[Follow Simon to the Dining Room ]

Emma: Frank, can we talk for a minute?

Frank: I was going to give another tour. I think I’m rather good at it you know. That nice lady  wanted to tip me!

Emma: Frank, I want to talk about us. I was thinking I might move back to the Hermitage.

Frank: Emma, that would be wonderful. I can’t get used to being alone again, I used to just drift off for days, now I just think about you.

Emma: The drifting off is the issue, isn’t it? You have to get rid of the cannabis. I can’t stay with you if you keep the pot. You know how I feel about that.

Frank: I’ll burn it tomorrow.

Emma: Perhaps we could just dig it up.

Frank: Righty-ho.