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The Dining Room

Episode 14
Entrance Hall
Dining Room
Breakfast Room
Music Room


dining room

Sergeant Archer: Hold on Shirley. Where are you going with that silver?

Shirley: Don’t be cheeky, young Bobby. I remember you in short pants. Are you back here on business, or as a guest?

Sergeant Archer: Both, actually. I’m trying to solve that drug case. Seems like the other lead I told you about came to nothing.   But something is going to give tonight. I can feel it.

Shirley: Rubbish. There’s nothing to do with drugs in this house. Have a beer and relax. The only thing that looks likely to give is the button on your trousers.

Sergeant Archer: Now hold on, Shirley. We’ve got that Jamaican chap running around, you know. He must be involved.

Shirley: He’s a friend of Miss Simmons. Actually, he’s with that American girl Amy. She’s in the family way, you know. I hear it’s his.

Sergeant Archer: Exactly.

Shirley: Are you implying that he shacked up with her so as to get an invite here to Puckering to sell drugs?

Sergeant Archer: Never underestimate the criminal mind.

 Emma: Shirley, we’ve got to talk. It’s really important.

Shirley: Well go ahead then. I’m not deaf.

Emma: No, not here. There are too many people around. Let’s step outside.

Shirley: It’s freezing outside. I’ll catch pneumonia. Do your talking in the warm air, like normal folks do.

Emma: No. I want privacy. The house is full of people. No one’s outside.

Shirley: Well, you’re bloody right about that. I’m not going either.

Emma: I know who John White’s father is.

Shirley: Hold on, I’ll fetch my coat.

[Follow Shirley to the Saloon or stay with Emma]

Ann: Everything alright, Emma?

Emma: Fine.

Ann: I wanted to make sure that you had a chance to meet my friend Dave Redmond tonight. He’s from the States and is interested in the house.

Emma: I’d love to meet him. Right now I’m trying to track down Miss Kent and Miss Rutherford. I wanted to talk to them about the Sea Room before they go, and Frank told me he saw them putting on their coats in the Hall. Can I catch up with you in a few minutes?

Ann: Sure, go on.

[Follow Emma to the Breakfast Room or Follow Ann to the Breakfast Room]

Phil Porkridge: Hello, I understand you run the Science Fiction shop in Puckering.

Pete Smith: Indeed I do. Live long and prosper.

Phil: Absolutely. Those are some great Spock ears.

Pete: Actually these are my ears.

Phil: I think I hear my wife calling. Excuse me.

Nigel Barksley: So, do you know if Wendy is single?

Lumpy Gaites: Right now, I think she’s spending time with someone called Trotter.

Nigel: Oh, are they serious?

Lumpy: He’s a Basset Hound, and yes I think they’re madly in love.

Nigel: Yes, of course, Trotter, Basset Hound, probably ironic, eh? 

Lumpy: I could introduce you.

Nigel: No, I'm more of a cat man myself.

Simon: Enjoying the party Phil?

Phil: Great, I’ve been mingling. Talking to all the guests. I think I’ve become better at talking to people. As you get older you get more confident.

Simon: This is great. Did you see me do the Hustle? And have you seen the new archaeologist? Surprisingly hot!

[Follow Simon to the Breakfast Room]

Caroline Porkridge: You must be very proud of your son Mr. Tinsley.

Simon's Dad: Why? Just because he won some money. He was useless before and he still is.

Caroline: You're right. I was just being polite.

Simon's Dad: Don't bother on my account.

Nigel Morcombe: Great show, young Tinsley. Knew you were the man to restore this place to its former glory. We’ll be wanting you next year for the cricket team. You need to work on that forward defensive stroke but I trust we’ll be seeing you in the middle.

Simon: Wouldn’t miss it.

Nigel: Cricket AGM next month. Proposal to allow women to play on the team. These women libbers will stop at nothing. W need to put a stop to that sort of rot.

Simon: Women should make the teas, that’s what I say.

Nigel: Absolutely! Knew I could rely on you. Excuse me, I need to bend the vicar’s ear. Terrible sermon he gave last week and now he’s talking to that awful Catholic priest!

Simon: Silly old fool!

[Follow Simon across the room]

Shirley: Is that Miss Ann who just left with those Americans?

Rev. Nigel Banks: Yes. She asked me to tell you that she’d left a note for Simon on her desk.

Simon: Shirley, where’s Ann gone?

Shirley: She left a few minutes ago with that Amy and her boyfriend James.

Simon: Taking them home, was she? Couldn’t Martin have done that?

Shirley: He could have, if she’d asked him. But she didn’t. And she had an overnight bag with her.

Simon: Bloody hell. Did she say anything?

Shirley: She said she’d left you a note on her desk.

Simon: Excuse me.

[Follow Simon to Ann's Desk]

Shirley: Sometimes it’s like Eastenders around here.

[Follow Shirley to the Music Room]

 Jackie Collins: What’s up with you?

Simon: Ann’s left, just left, gone. It’s over.

Jackie: I’m sorry.

Simon: Do you want to take a ride? The Harley’s out the back.

Jackie: We could take a ride. Let’s go.

 Woman's Voice: Good, I’ve finally got rid of them.Goodbye and Good Riddance!

Man's Voice:  Never mind.