While real newspapers are discussing the crisis in Sierra Leone, the breakup of Microsoft and Zimbabwe farms, it is safe to announce that in Puckering nothing happened. If diplomatic missions are scuttling between Palestinians and Israelis, they are not happening here. Puckering's nod to multi-culturalism seems to be that fact that the chippy is run by a Greek, and we do have an Indian restaurant. To placate the women's conference in New York, it should be noted that we do have women in the village and one stood for elected, though powerless, office. Surely we can now declare 2000 as the Year of the Woman.

Despite desperately pathetic records, neither the football team nor the cricket team has been mentioned in recent allegations about throwing games for money; they really are that bad. Furthermore, while the spectre of English hooliganism is rearing it's ugly head, the three men and a dog who watch Puckering have been cleared of involvement with European far-right groups.

Even our primary school is doing moderately well. Despite the dire news of the failure of public education, it seems that fortunately it's everyone else's school that is full of burned-out teachers and kids permanently stoned or smashed.