The Breakfast Room
|Rev. Nigel Banks: Evening,
Simon: Hello, Reverend. Theres a keg of Nuns Habit in the dining room and theres bubbly available swinging from the Indoor blimp. Actually, it might be easier to just get a glass since I keep crashing the damn thing into the wall.
Jackie Collins: Looks like youre having trouble keeping the end up to me.
Simon: Jackie! Great to see you. You look amazing.
Jackie: That was the desired effect. Now where are the good men? If you cant find any Ill take the bad.
Simon: Come and meet Ann, I know she wants to see you.
Phil Porkridge: All right mate.
Simon: Phil! But wheres the trouble and strife?
Phil: Shes coming. She went to the toilet. Shes a bit uptight tonight.
Jackie: Just like the wedding then, eh Phil?
Phil: Oh hello, Jackie. Look, be nice, will you? Things are a little tense right now. She had an accident at the dress shop and .. well, shell kill me if I tell you, but if shes walking a little stiffly its because she got stuck in the derrière by a shop pole.
Jackie: Blimey, I didnt think you could get a pin between those cheeks .
Jackie: Caroline, so nice to see you again. Now get off your horse and lets get a drink.
Lumpy Gaites: Whos the little man with the big ears?
Rev. Banks: Oh, thats Pete Smith. He runs the Science Fiction shop in Lower Puckering.
Lumpy: Is he wearing a black monks robe?
Rev. Banks: I think he came as Darth Vader. Look, hes sidled up to Wendy the Pet Lady.
Lumpy: Was that the Vulcan welcome sign?
Rev. Banks: Well that was a short conversation!
Ann: Thanks. I think we may have bitten off a bit too much.
Dave: No, no, youre off to a great start. Its a fabulous house. Have you done much research on the history of ownership?
Ann: Gotten started. We still have lots of questions. Ill have to introduce you to Emma Knytleigh, our researcher. Shes doing most of the work.
Dave: That surprises me, Ann. I would have thought youd be doing it.
Ann: Well, I wanted to, but Ive just been caught up in a lot of other things, and thought it would be best to turn it over to her.
Dave: Hmm. Fair enough. Ready for SOMEH?
Ann: Er, no, havent finished that paper yet either.
Dave: I see. Given up the academic life.
Ann: No, not permanently. Just taking a break.
Dave: Well, dont take too long.
Chester Vyse (singing): Play that funky music, white boy Hello, Ann. Great party!
Ann: Glad youre having fun.
Chester: Fancy a swing around the floor? Lay down and boogey and play that funky music til you die.
Ann: Um, maybe later. I want to go have a word with Emma.
Chester: Save "Brick House" for me, will you?
Ann: Its a deal.
Sergeant Archer: Evening, Emma. Keeping well then?
Emma: Well enough.
Sergeant Archer: I spoke with an old friend of yours the other day.
Emma: Really? Who would that be?
Sergeant Archer: Let's just say it was someone you spent a bit of time with. Still, best to leave these things in the past I think.
Emma: Why don't we then?
Ann: Evelyn. Hello. Glad you could come. Can I get you a drink? Theres champagne floating around here somewhere, and a keg of Flaming Monk in the Hall.
Evelyn Prosser: Thanks. Beer is an occupational requirement for archaeologists. Dr. Hardcote is off fetching me another pint. I prefer the Nun though. Its a bit smoother.
Ann: Yes. Im not much of a beer drinker myself, but I know what you mean. Hows the dig going?
Evelyn: Were finishing off for the season in the next few weeks. We found several more burials on the west end of the church yard, and a foundation that appears to predate the Church. Unfortunately, weve just got a corner of it; the rest was destroyed when Sparrow Lane was put in.
Ann: Any ideas what it was from?
Evelyn: Not yet. Its pretty substantial though. Mustve been a large structure, probably two or three stories.
Ann: Sounds intriguing. Are you going to get back to it in the spring?
Evelyn: Dr. Hardcote would like to come back. Id rather get started here though. Did you get my proposal?
Ann: It came yesterday. Simons looking it over. You should talk to him as well.
Evelyn: Oh, right. Well, no hurry.
Frank: Yes, isnt she lovely tonight? That dress makes her eyes look like pools on a summers day.
Shirley: For goodness sakes man, Im not interested in her eyes. Where is she?
Frank: No need to get nasty, Shirley. Shes around somewhere. Ill go find her for you if youd like.
Shirley: Fine, but be quick, will you? Ill be outside.
Frank: Isnt it a bit chilly out there tonight?
Shirley: No, I quite fancied a breath of fresh air.
Chester: My god, Ann, whats happened in the dining room?
Ann: Oh, that. Simon took a sledge hammer to the wall. He was looking for a door.
Chester: Looks like he found one! I really have to object to
Ann: Yeah, yeah, Chester, save it. Im sorry. He should have called you in.
Chester: Well, Im going to nip around and have a closer look at it.
Ann: Can we talk about this later?
Chester: Of course we can.
Phil: Simon tells me that you and your husband are nudists.
Mrs. Morcombe: I know what people think. Ive heard them snicker, but theyre small minded. Its so freeing. We have a private club near Brighton. I take my knitting and Nigel has a small allotment.
Phil: Is there a pool?
Mrs. Morcombe: Yes, but its not heated. The men dont really like to use it for some reason.
Phil: Probably afraid it will reduce the members!
Mrs. Morcombe: Whatever do you mean?
Phil: Excuse me. I think my wife needs some assistance.
Nigel Twicks: Good evening Titsley. Thank you for the invite, glad there are no hard feelings over the newspaper articles.
Simon: Its Tinsley, Mr. Twicks, Tinsley.
Nigel: Oh you can call me Nigel, or Ed, for Editor you know. Ever thought about getting into the newspaper business?
Simon: No, I dont think I could handle the responsibility of always having to get it right.
Nigel: Well you do what you can. With a small local paper like this theres really not much you can get wrong. Of course if we had some money behind us we could really do some serious investigative reporting. There are stories in this village that have never been told.
Nigel: Oh yes, love triangles, murders, company take-overs, illegitimate children, maybe even Vampires. I dont know if youve met the man from the West Indies but I believe hes part of a Caribbean drug cartel thats funneling cannabis through Puckering.
Simon: Hes a friend of Anns.
Nigel: And are you sure shes not involved!?
Emma: Frank, can we talk for a minute?
Frank: I was going to give another tour. I think Im rather good at it you know. That nice lady wanted to tip me!
Emma: Frank, I want to talk about us. I was thinking I might move back to the Hermitage.
Frank: Emma, that would be wonderful. I cant get used to being alone again, I used to just drift off for days, now I just think about you.
Emma: The drifting off is the issue, isnt it? You have to get rid of the cannabis. I cant stay with you if you keep the pot. You know how I feel about that.
Frank: Ill burn it tomorrow.
Emma: Perhaps we could just dig it up.