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| Manager | Bert Walsham - 'It's not over until they blow the whistle on us.' | ||||||
| Always ready with a positive word, Bert had professional trails for Fulham but never made the club. He did, however, spend many quality years with the Havering Flyers, until his career was cut short by injury. Bert, unmarried, works in local government but lives for sport and his job as unpaid manager of Puckering. He dreams of taking the side up amateur leagues and one day playing a game against a real club in the FA Cup and pulling off a dramatic giant killing. | |||||||
| Goalkeeper | Eric ‘Tiny’ Andrews Tiny has been the keeper for the Irregulars for twelve years and as a player and club member he pretty much stays put. Though he's not very nimble, his size seems to draw the attackers shots to him, which is helpful since most of the forwards he goes up against have a better record of dives. |
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| Defenders | Knobbly Lyles Defensive demon and biter of opponents legs, he has had the odd problem with league officials. His reputation is as much of an asset as his playing skills. |
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| Freddy Bolger 'Flash' Bolger's quickest move usually come at half time when he heads for some refreshment. Surprisingly light on his feet, Freddy always seems to be able to get out of trouble. |
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| Nigel Havers Quiet Nigel is last of the defense. A reserved man of who Bert once said "If he was more interesting, he'd be an enigma." |
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| Midfield | Andy 'The Head' Burstow The man in the middle with a real dedication to the game. |
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| George Stout A fixture in the bar even during some games, George shows no signs of slowing down or speeding up. |
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| Up Front | Ferdinand 'Ambidextrous, which in his case means he is equally useless with both feet. His ability heading the ball brings to mind the recent warnings about potential causes of brain damage in children.' |
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| Michael Owens Michael's main claim to fame is as the scorer of three own goals in one game. Still, as manager Bert Walsham said "they were quality goals." |
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| Young Burstow Puckering's newest player after being persuaded to turn out by his father, young Burstow has been a revelation. Though undersized, he is a real talent who can turn quickly and is not afraid to shoot. |
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| Gladstone A quick player whose runs down the left wing are often completed without him actually passing the ball. |
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| Croft The mirror image of Gladstone, these likely lads would be fearsome pair. Unfortunately they have trouble even crossing a road! |
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