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This page contains most of the content from the main 'story line' characters. It is designed to allow an easy way of keeping up with the story on slow connections (or for reading later). It is, of course, no substitute for the real thing!

• Shirley
• Simon and Ann
• Dining Room

Shirley (Martin)

Oh, another visitor. Had a few through here, I can tell you. It’s because I’m in the television series, Taxi to Kensington. I did my part this week. I’m the gardener. That Carver bloke told me I was a natural. Silly fool, I’ve been gardening all my life, didn’t need him to tell me how to do it. It’s your five minutes of fame said Tinsley. Seems to me I’ve done more working here for sixty years than in that five minutes, but everyone seems very excited because I turned on a hose!

Still they paid me well. I’m putting away a bit for John. I know he should stand on his own two feet but what am I going to do with money at my age? He might as well have it to enjoy. He certainly doesn’t seem to be having much fun right now. Still I’m content with the odd pint in the Idiot and a biscuit and a cup of tea – are you pouring?

Simon And Ann  

To: Philip Porkridge, Chief Accountant, Stoney Grove Trust
From: Simon Tinsley, Executive Director, Stoney Grove Trust

I found a web site called flirt power that has some chat up lines for Dad. Be careful though. Some of these are NOT for those under 18!

I know we’re not 'out there' any more, but Ann said I should try and get Dad to move on from his divorce. She thinks he should be dating. I think she’s nuts. Who’d go out with a miserable old git like him? Still, I thought I’d do some research. Some of the chat up lines are classics. How about "Are those space pants? Cuz your bum is out of this world!" Wish I’d known that one! Though I don’t think "I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good" would work too well, unless women really do go for honesty!

What did you use with Caroline?

From: Philip Porkridge, Chief Accountant, Stoney Grove Trust
To: Simon Tinsley, Executive Director, Stoney Grove Trust

Actually Caroline asked me out! We were at college and she came over and asked if I was just going to stare at her, or whether I was going to come over and talk. I think she was drunk, so I probably looked better!

Does anyone actually use those lines? Even in the movies they have French people and whatnot saying them, not Englishmen. I can’t imagine walking up to a woman and saying "Is it hot in here or is it just you?" I mean, they’d just laugh .....wouldn’t they?

To: Ann
From: Bevvylady@roma.net.it

Just as I was thinking that England could be quite jolly we had one of the stuck-up hostesses flying back with British you-know-who. How those women stand wearing those outfits I don’t know. Maybe that’s why they are so uptight. Luigi doesn’t really like to fly so we just ordered a snifter to steady the nerves and she wouldn’t serve us! We complained, obviously, and then she got the other one involved and they started talking about air rage. I was getting ready to give them a piece of my mind--we were flying first class--but then the silly cow gave Luigi a yellow card! Just like in football, one more and we’d have been sent off! Then we just starting laughing. Well it is silly, isn’t it?

Still it did make me rather worried about the trip back for the wedding and I want to make sure we get there in plenty of time. In case we have to make ‘alternate’ arrangements – they blacklist you know.

So we’ve decided to take the Grange for a month or two. You know, the cottage in the village. I think one of your actors lived there. Luigi’s loaded, so the money’s no problem and I understand that they are willing to take a short-term lease with that actor leaving. Replace one drunk with two, eh!

Thank God you’re getting married in the summer. Any other time in England would have been too dreadful, but as long as we can sit in the garden and drink Pimms we should be able to manage.

Looking forward to seeing you soon. Tell Harold and I’m sure he’ll be on the bus to Lands End - how I ever married that man! Well that’s a story for another day.

Luigi says Ciao! (I think he took rather a shine to you, Ann!)

Maude

Deleted:

To: Ann Simmons, Executive Director, Stoney Grove Trust
From: Philip Porkridge, Chief Accountant, Stoney Grove Trust

Dear Ann,

Sorry for the rather formal note, but I have been wanting to ask you about this and Simon keeps walking in on us so I thought an email might be more discreet.

As you know, as best man, it is my duty to arrange the stag night. Or rather, as it has become, a stag event. Simon seems rather keen on making it something special and I must admit feeling a little lost for ideas until I picked up on something he had suggested as an idea for the honeymoon (discarded for that purpose, I think).

The Russian navy, being rather short of funds, has come up with several imaginative ways of making money. One is an ‘adventure holiday,’ a week on a Russian ice breaker deep in the arctic. They fly you in by helicopter and you spend a week on board with the crew. Obviously it’s not your traditional night in the pub but I do believe it would be memorable and I was thinking, as best man, I would join him.

What do you think? Is it too much? It would mean Simon being away for about ten days but we could do it a couple of weeks before the wedding so that he’d be back in time. Please let me know your feelings on this. The company that organises it also does a rather jolly six days in Istanbul so maybe that would be easier.

Yours truly,

Philip (Porkridge)

To: Philip Porkridge, Chief Accountant, Stoney Grove Trust
From: Ann Simmons, Executive Director, Stoney Grove Trust

I think the arctic ice breaker sounds like a wonderful idea! What an adventure! Having Simon gone for a week or so before the wedding may be a good idea for both of us, and knowing that he was spending his ‘stag night’ with you and the Russian navy is something I entirely approve of. 

I think you should keep this as a surprise for Simon – I’ll make sure he has his passport and that he has no commitments for the time.

Thanks so much,

Ann.

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Dining Room

Alan Carver: Martin, good! I was hoping to find you here.

Martin: Well, I’m just leaving. Shirley sent me up to collect the rest of the dishes. She’s not very patient when she’s washing up.

Alan: But I’ve got something important to discuss with you…

Martin: Nothing’s so important to Shirley as getting the plates in to soak before everything starts to set. She’s particular that way, she is.

Alan: Damn the bloody dishes! Sit down man. Just give me five minutes!

Martin: No need to get so worked up. It’s not good for you. You’ll be having heart troubles.

Alan: Never mind that. After the shooting yesterday, several of us went down to London last night, to rushes. Let me get right to the point. You were fabulous! Brought us all to the verge of tears!

Martin: I’m afraid I’m not following you, Mr. Carver. What have I to do with rushing ‘round London?

Alan: No, no. Rushes. We took a look at the film. Your scene, in the garden. It was done with such subtlety, such restraint, and yet it touched all of us. Well, to be blunt, we loved it.

Martin: Oh, that. Well, I’m glad you liked it. I’ve been practising.

Alan: Practising? Martin, you’re a natural, and you know, that’s not something I say every day. Most people work for years to attain such a nuanced performance.

Martin: Seems like they should be doing something else if it takes them that long to learn to turn on a hose.

Alan: It’s not the turning on, Martin. It’s the way you moved, the way you made that hose speak for the passion bottled up inside the gardener and the two young lovers for years, the joy in your eyes at the triumphal burst…Magnificent is the only word I can find. But it just isn’t enough.

Martin: Well, thank you. Glad you liked it. Now I’d best be getting along with these dishes.

Alan: Wait. Let me finish! I’ve been thinking for quite awhile about doing a remake of Being There. The Peter Sellers’ film. Some critics, in fact, quite a few, consider it his masterpiece, so I’ve been a bit hard put to cast someone in the role of Chance. Are you following me?

Martin: Not really. Are you talking about one of those Pink Panther films? They were good for a laugh. Liked the bloke that kept popping out of the closet with his sword. Always fancied a go at him myself.

Alan: No, no. Those were rubbish. Being There was a brilliant social satire. And the main character, played by Sellers, was a gardener.

Martin: Hmm…seems to me I’m being typecast.

Alan: If I bring you the video, would you watch it? I could have a copy of the script sent round…

Martin: Always happy to watch a new film. Certainly, send it round. Now if you don’t mind, the missus is waiting!

Irene: Emma, would you mind if I had a quick word? Don’t want to interrupt, or anything, but since you know Frank so well, I thought you might help me decide something.

Emma: I think you know him better than I these days.

Irene: Well, yes and no. It’s important that I don’t get this wrong. That’s why I need your advice.

Emma: About what?

Irene: Hollywood. Arthur’s been approached by a major American studio to produce an historical drama set in the States. He’s asked me to come along.

Emma: Are you going?

Irene: Of course! How could I pass up a chance like this? It’s what everyone dreams about, even stuffy men like Arthur who claim that it’s the art that motivates them. He’s dying to go.

Emma: Does Frank know?

Irene: Not yet. I’m hoping he’ll come visit, of course. We’ll probably be gone for a year.

Emma: Are you serious? Frank go to America? It nearly kills him to go to the Idiot for a pint!

Irene: Oh, you’re just being overprotective. He’s fine with traveling. He came down to my flat in London for a visit.

Emma: And did you know that was the first time in nearly 15 years that he’d left the village?

Irene: Well, now he’s done it, it should be easier for him to make the next step.

Emma: It’s quite a big step. I hope you realise that. What happens if he says he won’t go?

Irene: Of course he’ll go. Oh, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about at all. You see, I assumed he’d come to visit. I was going to ask if you thought he’d move there with me. You know, for the whole time.

Emma: Irene, you’ll have to ask him yourself. As you say, I’m probably being overprotective. Maybe I don’t know him as well as you think I do.

Woman’s Voice: Don’t doubt yourself, dearie. He’s not going anywhere.

John: Have you thought about it?

Ann: Thought about what, John?

John: The invites. Did you include my dad?

Ann: I really don’t see how I can. My testimony, and Simon’s, sent him to jail. He must hate us for that. Besides, I’m not sure I want him here. What if he walks out with the gifts while we’re cutting the cake?

John: That’s not fair! He only stole because he thought he owed me. It was nothing personal. He’s reformed. He’ll need a job when he gets out, and if you and Simon invite him to the wedding, people will think that he’s respectable again.

Ann: I don’t think one afternoon at Stoney Grove cancels out two years of jail.

John: But there will be people at the wedding who respect you and who might be willing to give him a break if they see that you have forgiven him.

Ann: Well, I’ll think about it. I don’t know what Simon will have to say.

John: I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.

Ann: And what about you, John? Reverend Banks is doing the ceremony, and Emma is a bridesmaid. Will you be okay?

John: I’m over it. End of story. Not that it matters, but did you know that she’s left him?

Ann: Emma? Left the Reverend?

John: Moved out last weekend. She’s living in a flat in the village. By herself.

Ann: Do you know why?

John: She doesn’t fancy him, does she? Well, if she thinks she’s coming back to me, she’s wrong. Anyway, think about my dad, will you?

Ann: Okay. I’ll talk to Simon.

Ann: Well, if you’re going to back out, now’s the time to do it. I’m about to mail the invitations.

Simon: Back out? I’m shocked that you should even suggest such a thing! Now that my mother’s been here, I feel I can weather anything.

Ann: Glad I’ve fallen in love with such a romantic. By the way, how do you feel about inviting Jerry Anderson?

Simon: Fine with me as long as he doesn’t nick the bride.

Ann: Really? Do you think it’s okay? John would really like him to come, and I guess I’m not sure.

Simon: What harm can it do? I say invite him. Give The Hat someone to talk to.

Ann: Simon, you’re not inviting that man!

Simon: What are the odds that he’d come?

Ann: Not funny. He’s not coming. Right?

Simon: Right. Not to change the subject too quickly, but I get the impression that Phil is up to something. Has he mentioned anything to you about a stag party?

Ann: Well, if he did, I wouldn’t ruin the surprise. But no, he hasn’t said a word about a party. Maybe he’s decided that the whole stripper-in-the-cake/boys-down-the-pub thing is passé.

Simon: Well, he bloody well better organise something. I deserve it!

Ann: I’m sure Phil won’t leave you out in the cold.

Simon: Hello Dad. How are you? Haven’t seen you much since you got back.

Mr. Tinsley: OK I suppose, legs are playing up a bit.

Simon: You were gone a while.

Mr. Tinsley: Well I couldn’t stay here, could I? Not with that woman in the house. Is she coming to the wedding? Is she bringing that Italian bloke?

Simon: Of course she’s coming to the wedding, she’s my mother. And she can bring who she wants.

Mr. Tinsley: You could say on the invite – no guests. They do that, you know. It’s going to be quite crowded with all those hangers-on from the village coming.

Simon: Well actually I wanted to talk to you about that. I was wondering if you were bringing anyone?

Mr. Tinsley: Me? Who would I bring?

Simon: Well you were getting on quite well with Flo Blue when she was here. Bit of a thing for her, eh Dad?

Mr. Tinsley: No. Up close she was a bit old looking. They do them over on television, you know, make-up and stuff.

Simon: Well Ann thought, well suggested, that maybe you’d like to bring someone. I mean you’re not that old. You could still go out on a date. You and Mum have been divorced for years and years.

Mr. Tinsley: I see. Trying to get me married off so I won’t be a burden.

Simon: No. We just thought that if you, you know, smartened yourself up a bit, you could get a friend.

Mr. Tinsley: I don’t know anything about going out these days. It’s all different now, isn’t it. All sex, sex, sex. Anyway, I don’t meet anyone stuck here.

Simon: Well maybe you could join a club? Or volunteer, or join a civic group. What are your interests?

Mr. Tinsley: Well I was volunteering here. Not that I got any thanks for it. I don’t have any hobbies, waste of time.

Simon: Well, what if you did meet someone? What are your chat-up lines?

Mr. Tinsley: No need to look so desperate. I was quite the lad in my day, you know. I had a few lines.

Simon: Really? What?

Mr. Tinsley: Well I don’t remember now, it was a long time ago. No wait, I’ve got one ‘Hello Darling. Now I know what we won the war for!’ That was a winner.

Simon: Bit dated perhaps…well, it was probably dated then. Any others?

Mr. Tinsley: Oh yes, this got your mother. ‘Hello, you must be French.’

Simon: I’ll see if Ann can give you any tips.

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