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Episode |
Three |
This page contains most of the content from the main 'story line' characters. It is designed to allow an easy way of keeping up with the story on slow connections (or for reading later). It is, of course, no substitute for the real thing!
Come on in, don’t be shy. Martin is up and about, so you’re not disturbing him. Let me just put the kettle on. John bought us this nice electric one, so I can have a cuppa without having to get up. Well, it’s for Martin really, but it’s ever so convenient.
The old boy is doing better, thank you. Not that they know what was really wrong with him. One specialist said something about his heart, and another one said something about his kidneys, but in the end everything seems to be working again. That’s all that really matters, isn’t it?
He’s gone and gotten a part in the film. My Martin, a star at his age! He’s going to be the gardener. Imagine that! Not a big part, but Irene, Frank’s new friend, told me that it was quite symbolic.
The cast and crew are all here, you know. Well you would have seen then, wouldn’t you? Bit of a to-do the other day when the director said he was quitting. Seems they have everything sorted though, and he’s back at it. Too high strung for this line of work, he is. Bit of a big head. Now Mr. Willey—he’s playing Reginald—is a real looker. If I were twenty years younger, all right, thirty—I’d be thinking about doing a little acting myself. That Miss Toussand is a lucky girl. She walked by my door yesterday wearing a negligee just like one I used to have. I have to say, it suited me better. She’s just a little bit of a thing. They had to hire some stranger to do her bosoms—can you imagine that? I mean really, if you have to pay people to be your body parts, you’re not much of an actress, are you?
Still, I’ll be glad when they’re all out of here and we can go back to the way things were. Not that they’ll ever really be the same. Life changes, doesn’t it? Simon and Ann have set a date, so there’ll be a wedding here come summer. It’s nice when young people settle down. I wish my John would think about things more seriously. Not with that Emma, of course, but I’d like a great-grandchild before I go.
I’ve put a few more bits in the shop down the village, so if you have a chance, pop in and look around. When I have some time, I’d like to do some redecorating—the wallpaper is getting old.
Ah, the kettle has boiled. Help yourself to a biscuit—they’re in the tin.
To: Ann
From:AmynJames
What the hell has happened? I spent an hour on the phone last night with a hysterical woman who turned out to be your mother. It took me most of the conversation--if you could call it that-- to figure out what was going on, and finally she managed to spit it out --your wedding is off. I have to say I was less shocked than she was. What has Simon done this time? I always said that he was no good for you. I guess you're lucky that you didn't get any further and have to start canceling things. Well, if you're leaving town again, you know you're always welcome here.
Amy
To: Ann
From: TheSimmons
Ann honey,
I had a lovely conversation with your friend Amy last night.
She's such a nice girl. It was a pleasure to talk to her again. We were
wondering about the latest plans. Yours, I mean. Is there anything more you want
to tell me about the wedding? Not that I'm prying…
Love,
Mother
To: Simon
From: The Hat
Sorry son, but all wagers on the gee-gee's are off, what with
the Foot and Mouth and all. I can give you a line on the dogs, but if you're
into the more exotic I have a friend who runs a book on frog racing in London.
All kosher and above board, though it is hard to judge form with the little
buggers.
Let me know
The Hat
To: AmynJames
From: Ann
Amy,
Thanks for your confidence. Glad to know that my maid-of-honor
has such faith in me. Seriously, don’t you think I would have told you if
something were wrong? Everything is great with Simon. We just had a disagreement
about the wedding date. He went ahead and booked a Tuesday in December. He's
stressed out over the filming and thought we should wait until they cleared out
before starting to plan anything. We've rescheduled for August, so you're not
off the hook.
Ann
To: TheSimmons
From: Ann
Mother,
Why did you think that the wedding was off? I just told Simon
we shouldn't wait until December, that's all. We've set a date for August 11th at the Upper Puckering Parish Church. We'll do the reception here, in the
garden. Why don't you and Dad plan to come over for a few weeks beforehand? If
anything really bad happens, which it won't, I'll be sure to tell you directly.
STOP WORRYING!!!
Love,
Ann
From: TheReverend
To: Ann
Ann and Simon,
So nice to talk to you both at the church. Thanks for stopping by.
And so nice to be welcoming both of you back in August. You can never guarantee the weather but I'm sure it will be a blessed event.
Rev. Banks
To: Philip Porkridge, Chief Accountant, Stoney Grove Trust
From: Simon Tinsley, Executive Director, Stoney Grove Trust
Blimey, what a couple of weeks. Sometimes you just need to write down your thoughts, don't you? So I'm sending a note to my best man, officially telling him, in writing, that the wedding is August 11, 2001 in the Upper Puckering church and don't forget the ring.
Actually I'm glad it's settled. Nice to think of Ann and I together, forever and things getting back to normal. But I guess we'll have to put up with months more insanity before we get there. As if the wedding arrangements weren't enough I'm feeling like an extra in my own home, the film people are just taking over. Maybe we should slip away for a few days, just the two of us for a pre-bachelor party. Let the women organize things.
We should bring Frank! Can you believe him? I mean he looks like a good wind would knock him over, he's got that earnest thing going and his hair's everywhere. Yet somehow, not only is he seemingly doing the horizontal mambo with the production assistant girl (who's really quite tasty), but he's got Suzanne bloody Toussand coming over for tea and she won't even give me the time of day. I really don't understand women.
Anyway put what you like in your speech, the only thing off limits is our stag party!
Simon
Alan: We went through this before with the production of Fire and Spit. I cannot have interference in what I am trying to do. I know there are compromises, I know we have to adjust to budgets, but when the camera rolls I am in charge and it's my vision that is on the screen. Mine. Not yours. Not the board’s. Mine.
Arthur: Absolutely, Alan.
Alan: The cast is with me on this. Did you hear them? Did they not cheer when I stood up for the art of the actor against the suits that try to run this business? They don't usually like me, Arthur. Respect yes, fear even, but they were with me today.
Arthur: This isn't like you, Alan, we're not trying to interfere. There's no disagreement here, you can handle the love scenes any way that you want. It's just that with the advance word out and with a lovely new star like Suzanne… well there are expectations.
Alan: I'll not have her exploited. She's a jewel, Arthur. I tell you she shines on the screen.
Arthur: And we should use that. Give her the range, let her show the public what she can do.
Alan: No, I've quit. I told the cast, I told the crew, it's over. If I go back now I will have no integrity.
Cynthia: Can I come in? Alan, the cast wants to know if we're done for the day. Suzanne's standing around in a silk dress and Peter's down to a shirt, and it is still March.
Alan: Didn't they hear me quit? They applauded me!
Cynthia: Oh, were you serious? I mean, I think they appreciated the sentiment and all that, but I don't think that they actually thought you'd quit.
Alan: I can't put Suzanne through the scenes with that old hack Willey. And then tomorrow putting her with Archer. I'm just not sure he has the range to match her passion.
Suzanne: Alan, I cannot be left like this. Oh, hello Mr. Daily, Cynthia.
Alan: I know, I know. We'll change the script. We'll do the scenes with Gary and Peter off-camera or something.
Suzanne: Are you kidding? This is my career! Those scenes are in, or I'm out!
Arthur: Look, I'll go and explain to the cast that you're in charge and we'll carry on.
Alan: That's all I wanted. Ms. Toussand, let us continue.
Ann: This place is like Grand Central Station!
Simon: Look Ann, I’m really sorry.
Ann: Don’t be sorry—it was easy to fix. Be happy—we’re getting married in one, two, three, four, five months!
Simon: I’m just a bit stressed. Not about the wedding, though. Really. It just seems things are getting away from me. Look, I probably should talk to you about the guest list.
Ann: Tomorrow. Enjoy life while you can, Tinsley. It’s all going to get more hectic. What have you been doing that's so stressful?
Simon: Well, I’ve been stuck in the office helping them with the fax machine.
Ann: So I’ve heard.
Simon: And it got me thinking...What are you doing in, say, five minutes?
Ann: I have an idea. Do I need a double?
Simon: Never!
Woman’s Voice: She’s not happy, you know. All this talk about nipples and demographics, whatever that means. She just wanted someone to tell her story.
Frank: Well, they are telling her story. Just making it a bit more, um, up-to-date.
Woman’s Voice: That’s not what they called it in my day! Have you seen the shameful goings on in this house?
Frank: Well, they were rehearsing the love scenes this week. Between Loretta and Reginald, and Loretta and Arthur. She can hardly object—she wrote them herself.
Woman’s Voice [indignantly]: She most certainly can! I wasn’t born yesterday, young man! I know the difference between make-believe and the real thing. There are people here carrying on that have nothing to do with your mother’s silly book. And some combinations of characters she never envisioned, I can tell you that!
Frank: We’re all adults. Times do change.
Woman’s Voice: That’s not the way she sees it. She blames you, you know.
Frank: What did I do?
Woman’s Voice: You could have stopped it. You still can. You own the rights.
Frank: No, I can’t stop it.
Woman’s Voice: Why not?
Frank: Because I think I’m in love.
Woman [snorts]: And that is relevant because….?
Frank: She's helping shoot the film. I can’t interfere with her job. It’s important to her.
Woman [snorts again].
Frank: Are you still there?
[Silence]
Irene: Frank, is that you?
Frank: Irene? Hello. You look…quite beautiful today.
Irene: Thank you. So do you.
Frank: The poem you read to me last night was glorious.
Irene; I’ve written another if you’d like to hear it. Why don’t we go back to the Hermitage--that is, if you’re done here?
Frank: I guess I am.
Woman’s voice [snorts]
Shirley: Martin, what are you doing up?
Martin: I’m coming to the meeting, woman.
Shirley: Don’t be daft. You don’t need to be sitting
around listening to this load of rubbish. Go lie down.
Martin: I told you, I feel fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.
Shirley: You don’t have your strength back.
Martin: That’s not what I remember hearing from last night.
Shirley: For goodness sake, man, go back to bed.
Martin: Save your breath, Shirley, I’m going.
Cynthia: Everything all right then, Suzanne?
Suzanne: Hardly. I’m frozen. I probably already have influenza, I’m just too cold to know it yet.
Cynthia: You both did a nice job with that scene. Alan was really pleased.
Suzanne: Well he bloody well should have been. If I had to kiss that old lech again, I was going to throw up. His breath is disgusting. Poor Karen.
Cynthia: Don’t worry about her. She’s just glad to have the work.
Suzanne: Well, I’m glad my body-double days are behind me. It’s so much more fulfilling to be a serious actor.
Peter: So you think I’m disgusting, do you? How refreshing! Most women find me irresistible.
Suzanne: Which women would those be, Peter? The grannies that come to watch you perform? Oh, I seem to recall that even they stayed away from your last effort. What was the name of it, Cynthia? You know, the one that closed after three weeks?
Peter: Are you ready for the scene with Gary tomorrow? I
suppose you two didn’t need much rehearsing, did you? No, wait. Gary
said that you might need more practice. Bit of a cold fish and all of
that.
Frank: Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt. I thought I heard voices, and popped
in to see if anyone was here.
Suzanne: I was just leaving. I’ve got to go get some clothes on.
Frank: Let me make you some tea. You don’t look well.
Suzanne: Forget the tea. Can you get me some Scotch?
Frank: I’ll see what I can do.