Have a Cuppa with Shirley (or John)

Well, hello! Good to see you. Sorry to say my Gran and Granddad are out, but you’re welcome to share a pint with me. What do you fancy—got one of those new cans of Boddy’s or a bottle of Old Peculiar. Won’t be a minute.

There you go. Nothing like a good pint on a hot day. It was pissing down last night, but today’s been lovely, don’t you think? I've been out in the garden planting some new beds down near the terraces. Put some snapdragons in near the hollyhocks. I always liked snapdragons; they’re cheerful flowers, you know.

So, I guess you’ve heard about me. Blew me over, really. I mean I’m a grown man and just finding out who my Granddad is! Bloody hell. I don’t really believe it, and anyway, Martin will always be my real Granddad if you know what I mean. Spent my life with him and all.

Before they left, Gran got all serious and said she needed a word. I thought she’d found some more reefer lying around or something. But that’s another story. Instead she tells me that when she was young, she and Monty Hall were an item and that she got knocked up by him. Not exactly in those words, you know, but that’s what she meant. She thinks that as his grandson, I’m due some big inheritance, him being the last Hall.

That would be brilliant! I could own the place and do as I like. And Emma, well, she’d have to forgive me if I was her boss, right? Only joking. We’ve had a talk too. It’s been a week for talks.

I think it was my poem that did it. She caught me up after the last meeting and gave me an earful. Not that she wasn’t right. I deserved it. She’s trying to reform, be a model citizen, and I go dropping her in the nick and covering my behind. Well, I didn’t mean to, honestly. And I’ve gone to court and paid my fine. Cost me a fortune, but maybe that’s not such a problem now, you know? So I figure it’s done. She acted like she was still angry, but I think she’s getting over it. I hope so. Have you seen Emma? Well, drop by her office and take a look. She's worth waiting for.

That was a quick one. Hold on, I’ll get you another. Old P, right?