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This page contains most of the content from the main 'story line' characters. It is designed to allow an easy way of keeping up with the story on slow connections (or for reading later). It is, of course, no substitute for the real thing!


Oh hello. Yes Iím fine. Can I pour you some tea? Well, you just have to get on with it, donít you? Heís gone and thatís that. Life goes on. Course I miss him. Not that he was ever here, always in the garden with his blessed plants. He had a way with plants, won competitions, you know. Do you want some tea?

Not that Iíve had a momentís peace since he passed away. Miss Ann, she asked if she should delay the wedding for a bit, considerate thing she is. I could see she was terrified Iíd say yes! I think she thinks sheís got the one shot and if she misses it that fool Tinsley will be off, or doing something stupid again. Anyway, I said of course not. So now weíve got everyone and their uncle turning up and more coming. Ann suggested I get someone from the village to help with the house and really, though I donít like anyone else in here, this time I said yes. So weíve got Gladys and Beth, not sure what theyíll get done, chattering all the time like some little birds, but I canít do it all. As I said to John, Iím not getting any younger either and before long I wonít be able to do everything. Heís a nice boy. I wish heíd settle down, especially now that his dadís out. Still, the only one in the picture is that Emma. Iíve seen them talking again, and you know what I think of her.

Well, Iím looking forward to the wedding. Need something cheerful around here. Heís an idiot but if she can keep him in order maybe theyíll make a go of it. Did I offer you some tea?

Simon And Ann  

To: Simon
From: The Hat

I'm going to be away for a little while but I have a very good memory and I don't think I ever got my hat back. Cousin Ernie is coming with me, but when we get back we'll pay you a visit, my son, and we won't be bringing holiday snaps.

If you know what I mean.

Uncle Henry

To: Simon
From: Loverlinks

Your trial period in LoverLinks has expired and we're all very sorry.

Our records show that you received emails from:

Blue Lady
Love Kitten
Mistress B.

Surely one of these lovely ladies must have tickled your fancy. Aren't you curious to know more. Are you just looking for the courage to call? 

I know these ladies are waiting for you!

Don't delay, respond to this message now and update your membership and make that call. I know that Mistress B. Will be glad you did.

Your friends at LoverLinks

To: Ann
From: TheReverend


I think we made good progress at our last counseling session. I dusted off the 1928 version and after a thorough reading decided it probably was a bit stuffy for your tastes too. I'll send along a version of the ceremony that I performed  for Wendy and Nigel Barksley. It was a lovely service, and everyone was quite pleased.  Don't be too hard on Simon, I think he's holding up quite well under the circumstances.


To: Simon
From: Phil

Cold feet yet?

I was sitting here writing my best man speech and it's a corker I think! Little bit of humour, few anecdotes, all the thank yous. It's coming along nicely. It helps you being such a slimey bastard and all!

I wouldn't want you to think that I've not been working though. Looking at the tax position I think it's going to be really hard to write off the wedding as a tax expense. Now as you pointed out the house will be open, and most of the village is invited but the problem is that it is essentially a private function. Now if you want to open it up to whoever wanders by then we may have a chance, but the Inland Revenue get a bit sniffy about this sort of thing.

I've done the six month accounts. The money from the filming obviously helped a bit, but I must say that your expenses seem a bit excessive and, to be frank, things are looking a bit tight. Don't spend any more!!!! Ann's very frugal, so that helps, but maybe we should reconsider Corporate sponsorship for the house. We could rename it like they do the football stadiums. "The Shell Stoney Grove" - has sort of a ring to it, don't you think? Anyway, perhaps this should wait until after the honeymoon.

Fancy a swift one at 6.00pm in the Idiot, or are you surrounded by guests?

To: Phil
From: Simon

Thank God you wrote - meet me at five. If I have to be pleasant any more I'll shoot myself.

They're all here. Everywhere you turn there is some relative of mine, or Ann's, popping out of the woodwork and commenting on what a lovely colour the curtains are, or asking if we have much trouble keeping it warm in the winter. Ann's cousins are pretty fit, but Dad is monopolizing one and the other spends her time in the bedroom with her boyfriend. Still, I suppose I'm past all that now, married man and all.

Actually I'm not nervous, nor have I got cold feet. OK, I'm dreading the actual day, but the thought of being married to Ann and all these people leaving and it being back to normal is the only thing keeping me going!

Just remembered. We can't go to the Idiot because Amy is staying there, and I don't want to be seen. I'll find an excuse to pop out, and you pick me up on the road by the entrance. We'll go to the Snowdrop in East Imbiben.

Better make it 4.30.

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To: Simon
From: Loverlinks

Name: Ms Betty Booth

ID: Mistress B

Age: Mature

Occupation: Teacher

If you could describe yourself in but a few wordsÖ..

I like to take charge and I take no namby-pamby excuses. Men are like dogs, they need to be told what to do in a firm way and I'm the woman to do it. I keep myself in good form with lots of exercise and If you'd like me to whip you into shape give me a call. 

Dining Room

Simon: What are you doing here?

Emma: Itís all right Simon. We were just talking until John comes in from the garden.

Simon: Oh.

Jerry Anderson: What-oh Mr. Tinsley. Hope you and your lovely friend are keeping well.

Emma: For goodness sake Simon, stop looking around. Everything is here. Jerry and I were just talking about a shared acquaintance.

Simon: From your prison days?

Emma: No, Simon, a shared acquaintance of yours and Jerryís.

Jerry: thatís right Mr. Tinsley. I understand youíve become familiar with The Hat.

Simon: Blimey! You donít go by the name of ĎCousin Ernieí do you?

Jerry: Who? Oh Ernie. Heís a right one I can tell you. Used to box, you know, but could never keep the weight down. Anyway, fancy you knowing both of them! Right couple of crooks they are, but I used to meet all sorts with my old line of work.

Simon: That being nicking things.

Emma: Jerry has a new profession now, heís working in the church.

Jerry: Right. Took lessons in the nick, didnít I? Rehabilitation they call it and what with my knowledge of old stuff, restoration work seemed right up my street. Iím going to be working in the church for that Mr. Vyse and the Rev.

Simon: Well if you see the Hat remember NOT to mention my name.

Jerry: Oh, you wonít be seeing him for a while.

Simon: Why not?

Jerry: Well he had his collar felt, didnít he? Nicked, the two of them. As I was going out, they was coming in. Got a good long stretch too, is what I heard.

Simon: Well that is good news. Welcome back Jerry!

Simon: You didnít reply to any of them?

Mr. Tinsley: No, bunch of losers if you ask me, putting their lives out there on the Internet for all to see. Pathetic really.

Simon: And youíre such a catch?

Mr. Tinsley: I have my pride.

Simon: So who are you going to the wedding with? I donít want you sitting there looking miserable when Mum comes in with the Italian job.

Mr. Tinsley: Thatís the trouble with living in the country. Theyíre all old people.

Simon: I know, what about going with Shirley? Sheís going to be alone now.

Mr. Tinsley: Sheís older than I am! Anyway, it wouldnít be right, not with her husband so recently gone.

Simon: Your sensibilities do you proud.

Mr. Tinsley: What about one of these cousins of Ann? Are they good looking? You found an American woman.

Simon: One of them is bringing a bloke, and the other one is twenty-two!

Mr. Tinsley: Well that sounds all right. Iíll check them out when they arrive.

Simon: If nothing better comes up.

Mr. Tinsley: Right.

Simon: Youíre not to talk to Ann any more until after the wedding. She thinks Iím bad but if she ever thought Iíd turn out like you, Iíd need a date for the wedding!

Mrs. Simmons: This is so impressive! I knew Ann and Simon were well off, but I didnít have any idea of the scale of this house. I feel like Iím a character on A&E.

Mr. Simmons: Just be carefulóin those shows someone always gets murdered.

Mrs. Simmons: Now Al, donít go and spoil it! Itís a nice old house, not something sinister.

Mr. Simmons: Well, I thought I heard voices last night. Not natural. And that portrait in the corneróI feel like sheís watching me. Reminds me more of a Fox special than A&E.

Mrs. Simmons: You probably did hear voices last night. Half the wedding guests are staying here. Just think, our Ann has a house with more bedrooms than we have rooms. And to think we told her sheíd starve when she said she wanted to be a medieval historian.

Mr. Simmons: Well, she would have starved. She just got lucky.

Jen: Hey Uncle Al, Aunt Nancy. Youíre up early!

Mrs. Simmons: Al couldnít sleep. Thought he heard ghosts.

Jen: Thatís fantastic! What did they say?

Mr. Simmons: Oh, nothing I could pin down. No actual words. Just moaning and muttering.

Jen: You sure that wasnít Janey and Todd? Oh, sorry, shouldnít have said that. Donít tell Mom!

Mrs. Simmons: Are they here, honey? I thought they hadnít arrived yet.

Jen: Annís friend Amy dropped them off last night. She met them on the plane on the way over.

Mrs. Simmons: Oh! Is Amy here? I havenít seen her for ages! I canít wait to see the baby!

Jen: Sheís staying at a bed and breakfast in the village-- said it was more peaceful there.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Good morning.

Mrs. Simmons: Harold, good morning! You havenít met our niece yet, have you?

Mr. Tinsley Sr.:. No. Harold Tinsley. Father of the groom. And you are here with your boyfriend?

Jen: No, thatís Janey. Iím Jen.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Oh, you must be the twenty-two-year-old cousin. Twenty-two. A nice age.

Jen: I guess itís okay. Well, Iíll leave you oldies to get caught up. Let me know when Janey rolls out of bed, will you?

Mrs. Simmons: Iíll tell her youíre looking for her dear.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Excuse me, I think Iíll just go and see if Jen wants to see the gardens. Bit of a occupational hazardóIíve become something of a tour guide and find it hard to stop. Hate for anyone to miss out on the splendours that are Stoney Grove.

Mrs. Simmons: What a considerate man! Heís nothing like his ex-wife, is he?

Mr. Simmons: Now that you mention it, maybe thatís what gave me nightmares.

Mrs. Simmons: Be nice! Sheís just very talkative, thatís all. Her boyfriend, was it Luigi? Anyway, heís charming.

Mr. Simmons: Just watch your purse around that one.

Mrs. Simmons: Oh, Al!

Reverend Banks: So you've had a chance to look over the ceremony, then? Any questions?

Ann: Well, yes. How much flexibility do we have?

Reverend Banks: Flexibility?

Ann: Yes. To change it.

Reverend Banks: What exactly do you want to change?

Ann: Well, the "obey" part is right out.

Simon: It is? I'd have never guessed!

Ann: Maybe you'd like to stand up in front of everyone you know and promise to obey me?

Simon: Aren't I already doing that by agreeing to marry you?

Ann: Well, I'm not going to say it. And also, all that stuff about what marriage is. I'm marrying Simon because I love him, not to quell my carnal urges or to produce the requisite heir. Though I hope I do.

Simon: Do what?

Ann: Both, actually.

Simon: Me too. There is a surprising amount about sex in there. I guess I've never really paid attention at weddings before. Thought they were boring. Fancy that.

Ann: It surprises me that you started with the traditional ceremony, Nigel. I thought you were a bit more modern too.

Reverend Banks: Oh, I think the old one's rubbish. Simon told me you'd like it.

Ann: Simon said that?

Simon: Well, I actually quite like it. Makes me feel like I'm in charge of things. Didn't think you'd go for it, but no harm in trying.

Ann: Actually, I found this really beautiful lesbian ceremony on the internet. It was all about equality and partnership and sharing. Could we maybe do something like that?

Simon: Are you nuts? I'm not a lesbian!

Ann: I know that. I just liked the sentiment.

Simon: Great. Go for it. I hear Amy isn't married yet. Maybe she'll stand in for me.

Reverend Banks: Ha, ha, well, yesÖ as we discussed last week, marriage is all about compromise. I think, Simon, that you should respect Ann's wishes and go for the more modern ceremony, and that you, Ann, should honour Simon's more, um, traditional side and try to be a bit more conformist.

Ann: Let me read through it first.

Simon: You know the wedding is less than two weeks away. We really should decide this today.

Reverend Banks: No hurry. I'll send along a copy of the 1928 ceremony and we can discuss it later.